


Snack Food Blues (And Reds)

by Lambda



Category: Red vs. Blue
Genre: Does This Qualify as a Crack Fic?, Grif and Simmons are Smuggling Buddies, I Don't Even Know, I'm Not Sure if "Smuggling Buddies" Qualifies as a Ship Though, Inspired By Tumblr
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-06-30
Updated: 2016-06-30
Packaged: 2018-07-19 03:24:03
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 644
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7342693
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Lambda/pseuds/Lambda
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Sarge puts some new bans on certain things allowed in red base to keep out "dirty blue affiliated objects." These bans include every food packaged in the color blue.<br/>Needless to say, Grif is not happy about this.</p>
<p>Idea From: http://rt-shower-thoughts.tumblr.com/post/145759165937/do-you-think-sarge-has-banned-cool-ranch-doritos</p>
<p>This fic was written as a joke, so don't expect it to be the best thing ever.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Snack Food Blues (And Reds)

**Author's Note:**

> I'm sorry...

"Simmons! What the fuck is this?!?" Grif was angrily shoving a piece of paper in his teammate's face.

"Uh... Sarge's newest list of banned ite-"

"I KNOW WHAT IT IS! I found it on my bunk when I woke up! Look at this!" He started to point to certain words on the list. "Cool Ranch Doritos, Chips Ahoy, Oreos, Pepsi?!? HE BANNED PEPSI?!?"

"Well, you could drink Coca Cola instead."

"IT'S NOT THE SAME, SIMMONS, IT'S NOT THE SAME! Why would he do something like this?!?"

"I believe it was to..." Simmons cleared his throat and made his best Sarge impression, "...'Keep that dirty blue propaganda out of our base' and out of your stomach too, I guess."

"He's more evil than I thought... He must be stopped!"

"Aren't you being a little too over dramatic? It's just a few foods." Grif shot Simmons a death glare. "Or not... What do you suggest we do about it?"

"We're gonna smuggle snacks into red base."

* * *

 

"You got the goods?" Grif said, 'inconspicuously' hiding behind a newspaper, in the middle of a barren box canyon.

"Yeah, yeah, take 'em" Tucker said, kicking an unmarked box over toward Grif. "Now about my payment..." 

"Wait, I want to make sure you're not scamming me, first." Tucker rolled his eyes as Grif rummaged through the box. When he was done, Grif irritably grumbled and pulled out some pictures from his back pocket.

"Aw, sweet!" Tucker looked through the photos and whistled. "And in her cheer leading outfit, too? I should help you more often."

"You disgust me..."

"Hey, I'm not the one selling pictures of my sister for some Doritos. Anyways, nice doing business with you. Let me know if you need another shipment... maybe you can find some swimsuit pics for me?"

Grif grumbled again and left with his box of delicious, cool ranch, contraband.

* * *

 

Grif's snack smuggling had been going on for months now. The members of red base had all the snack foods they could ever want, especially 'blue' foods.

Grif was sitting on his bunk, Donut and Simmons were next to him gorging themselves on various Hostess snack cakes.

Donut opened another box of Twinkies; it was his third box that day. "Man, I sure love twinks."

"Donut, for the love of god, stop calling them that!"

"Are you sure he's still talking about the food, Simmons?"

"What in sam hill is going on here?" The rest of red team froze like a deer in headlights. Sarge was standing in the door way; they had been caught red, or blue, handed.

"Scatter!" Donut yelled, throwing an empty Twinkie box at Sarge's face and making his escape through the door while Sarge was distracted.

"I can't go back to jail!" Simmons panicked and jumped out the window.

"Grif..." It was too late for Grif to escape, he was trapped with Sarge. "What are you doing with all this blue affiliated foodstuffs? I thought I banned this! You should be shot for this offence!"

"Sir, have you ever even tried any of this food? Banning it's just unfair!"

"Why would I ever eat something packaged in blue? Unlike you, I'm not a traitor!"

"The food itself isn't even blue, though! Look at this." Grif opened a bag of Cool Ranch Doritos, took out a chip, and held it out to Sarge. "It's like a yellowy-orange color. Which is kind of like red... Just try one, they're delicious."

Sarge untrustingly squinted at the chip before taking it and eating it."Well... it's not that bad for something packaged in blue..."

"So, you'll unban them? Please?"

"You know what, Grif, I think I learned a valuble lesson today. Red or Blue doesn't matter... All snack foods are created equal." There was a short pause before Sarge continued. "Except Twizzlers, those things are disgusting."

"Totally, I fucking hate those things."


End file.
